A series of lightbulbs
There will come a time when the universe will repeatedly try to kick answers into your face. I like to call these the lightbulb moments. When you in the middle of an emotional situation and out of nowhere a stroke of genius, an epiphany hits, enlightenment drills into your little brain and you change directions not only emotionally but your life makes a left turn.
I’ve had many starting from a young age. A thought as simple as “my parents have been on this planet a whole lot longer than I have. I should probably listen to them and what they’ve been through.”
The most profound moment after that was when I was 16. My parents were in the middle of a divorce. I was not only a Junior in high school, I kept good grades, I worked part time at a horse stable (which didn’t pay cash) to continue to earn lessons and ride whenever I wanted but I, also, had to work part time at a sandwich shop to make actual cash for things like shows, show clothes, gas money, teenage snacks and such. I was stressed to the max. I didn’t cause issues in my family because my sister was a pain, my dad was a pain and my poor mom had too much on her plate to begin with. I kept my head down and did the best that I could hoping someone would see. At that point in life is when I started to “appear to have my shit together” though I was a mess inside.
One Sunday morning I was off to the barn. It was my day to clean stalls, feed horses, turn them out and exercise a handful. Manual labor at its finest. Cruel and genius at the same time. And I’m sure a huge insurance liability but that doesn’t matter now.
I went to work this old horse Flower. She was the sweetest Appaloosa. She was the kind of horse you put little 5 year old kids on. Slow. In control. She never freaked out. All I had to do with walk, trot, and canter her around for a few minutes, cool her down and put her back. Just enough to stretch her legs and get the blood flowing. I seriously can’t remember what set me off, but then next thing I know I’m mad at this poor old horse. Like seriously fly off the handle mad. I was about to snap off and correct her for whatever she did or didn’t do and I saw the fear in her eyes. She threw her head back looking right into my eyes and she tried to back away from me. I stopped dead in my tracks. I took her bridle off and let her be in the arena for a moment. I stopped and stood there shocked at my behavior. I started to bawl. Confused how I could ever get mad at this poor old mare that had been alive longer that I had. And just then I said to myself “life is too fucking short to be this miserable.” I was dying inside. No one knew me. No one saw me. No one asked how I was because I never spoke up. I was never confrontational. I was a door mat that no one saw. I knew from that point that my happiness in life rested solely on my shoulders. I started to crack. I started to break down. I started to stop caring about what everyone thought of me. People cared about me but not in a way that I needed. Shit. I didn’t even know what I needed. Because whatever it was I certainly wasn’t getting any of it. That was the day I became aware and started consciously fighting for my happiness. It wasmt for another almost 20 years until I completely understood what inner peace was. Each year I became a little bit closer. It was crazy ride of misconceptions, falsehoods, smoke, mirrors, lies, rose colored glasses, broken promises and a lot crying.
I wouldn't change any of it.
I’ve had many starting from a young age. A thought as simple as “my parents have been on this planet a whole lot longer than I have. I should probably listen to them and what they’ve been through.”
The most profound moment after that was when I was 16. My parents were in the middle of a divorce. I was not only a Junior in high school, I kept good grades, I worked part time at a horse stable (which didn’t pay cash) to continue to earn lessons and ride whenever I wanted but I, also, had to work part time at a sandwich shop to make actual cash for things like shows, show clothes, gas money, teenage snacks and such. I was stressed to the max. I didn’t cause issues in my family because my sister was a pain, my dad was a pain and my poor mom had too much on her plate to begin with. I kept my head down and did the best that I could hoping someone would see. At that point in life is when I started to “appear to have my shit together” though I was a mess inside.
One Sunday morning I was off to the barn. It was my day to clean stalls, feed horses, turn them out and exercise a handful. Manual labor at its finest. Cruel and genius at the same time. And I’m sure a huge insurance liability but that doesn’t matter now.
I went to work this old horse Flower. She was the sweetest Appaloosa. She was the kind of horse you put little 5 year old kids on. Slow. In control. She never freaked out. All I had to do with walk, trot, and canter her around for a few minutes, cool her down and put her back. Just enough to stretch her legs and get the blood flowing. I seriously can’t remember what set me off, but then next thing I know I’m mad at this poor old horse. Like seriously fly off the handle mad. I was about to snap off and correct her for whatever she did or didn’t do and I saw the fear in her eyes. She threw her head back looking right into my eyes and she tried to back away from me. I stopped dead in my tracks. I took her bridle off and let her be in the arena for a moment. I stopped and stood there shocked at my behavior. I started to bawl. Confused how I could ever get mad at this poor old mare that had been alive longer that I had. And just then I said to myself “life is too fucking short to be this miserable.” I was dying inside. No one knew me. No one saw me. No one asked how I was because I never spoke up. I was never confrontational. I was a door mat that no one saw. I knew from that point that my happiness in life rested solely on my shoulders. I started to crack. I started to break down. I started to stop caring about what everyone thought of me. People cared about me but not in a way that I needed. Shit. I didn’t even know what I needed. Because whatever it was I certainly wasn’t getting any of it. That was the day I became aware and started consciously fighting for my happiness. It wasmt for another almost 20 years until I completely understood what inner peace was. Each year I became a little bit closer. It was crazy ride of misconceptions, falsehoods, smoke, mirrors, lies, rose colored glasses, broken promises and a lot crying.
I wouldn't change any of it.
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